It’s three in the morning on a Tuesday, I have class in a matter of hours and I should be sleeping, but i'm not. Instead, I’m panicking. It’s April 9th, 2019— exactly one month until I graduate from college. It’s not that I'm surprised that graduation is approaching, I mean, you enter college with the plan to get your degree, and I’ve certainly worked hard for mine, but I am surprised with how fast it came to be.
Last May when I turned in my last final exam as a junior, I should have been excited for the summer, but instead I was what I am now— panicked. I couldn’t believe that I only had one year left. I wasn’t ready. I told a few of my senior friends this and they all told me the same sentiment, “don't worry, that was me, too. Trust me though, when you’re about to graduate you will be ready to be done.” But I'm not ready.
You do have to take that with a grain of salt though. I am certainly ready to be finished with classes and with homework and with countless essays and the group projects, boy—am I ready to be done with those! What I'm not ready for, is to leave my comfort zone.
Thank goodness for Randy Minkoff bringing Blaise and I together. He is easily one of my best friends. Whether I’m calling him with great news or in tears, he’s always there for me. Also— this kid already has a full-time job after graduation. So proud!!
I have been blessed beyond measures with the people that I get to do life with. I have learned in life that the people you surround yourself with truly do have an impact on the person you become, so I have to admit, I am a bit picky. But, I have the absolute best of friends in the world and I am not ready to leave them.
I always said that I would be willing to move to a small market to get on-camera. I would do anything to chase that dream, but saying is easier than doing. Some of my friends have already landed full-time employment in the city, others are looking into their summer apartments. Hearing my roommate discuss getting a studio for next year was a tough pill for me to swallow. I have LOVED living with her this year and that is all about to come to an end, and I have no plan.
Every time someone brings up post-graduation and my future, I kind of laugh it off or change the topic as quickly as possible as to not disappoint them with my lack of answers. Honestly, I just think I have too much on my plate and too many people to please.
I executive produce Rambler Sports Locker (RSL) and every single week members ask me how my internship is or what’s next for me. They tell me how they can’t wait to see what I will do in my career and how I am going places. I go to meetings with professors and they tell me how, “they have a good feeling about me.” All of these things are so kind, but add to this constant pressure I feel to live up to the expectations of others. These expectations tell me to be perfect, which is a goal I could dedicate my entire life to and never achieve.
A few weeks ago after we had finished filming an episode of RSL, our advisor asked to make an announcement and when he started speaking, I wished he would stop. He was telling all of my members about the internships I have held in college and how hard I have worked. He not only wanted to highlight my achievements, but to motivate and show them what this show could do for them too. He told them how far I had made it into the NBC West Coast Page Program applications, which was the one thing I didn’t want people to know about— in case I failed, in case I didn't get it, in case I wasn’t perfect.
Kate Stone. This girl went from being Blaise’s girlfriend, to my friend, to my roommate and now my bestie for the restie. She has a ton of leads for future employment and I can’t wait to cheer her on (even if it won’t be from the same apartment anymore.)
And I did. I failed. I didn’t make it to the final round of applications. A dream was taken away from me. My plan vanished. I wasn't even that surprised though. I had always known how hard it was to get into the program, I wasn’t as confident with my most recent application round and I honestly felt like the Lord was preparing me for a no in the week leading up to the result.
Yet, my heart still broke and here I am still without an answer for what I’m going to do post-graduation. While my advisor was telling RSL about some of the internships I have held this past year, I couldn’t help but think… I don't want to stop being an intern.
Yes, you heard that right. I enjoy being an intern. I enjoy being at the bottom of the totem pole where your job is solely to learn. Where you aren’t tasked with anything that—if you massively screw up—will impact others.
Here I am an EP who acts like she is all put together, but in reality is a complete fraud. One of my supervisors at work was asking me about what I had lined up for the future and showing me what people he graduated with who went the small market route had done, and I didn’t want to pay attention. I didn’t want to listen. I didn’t want it to be real that it was time for me to grow up and do that.
During that same shift, that same supervisor told me how I know baseball, but I don’t know basketball, hockey, or football. While my quick response was “I don’t know basketball? I covered a run to the Final Four last year.” To which he answered, “Sorry, I meant NBA.” That single comment from the whole day stuck with me for the rest of the night.
It stuck with me the entire next day. I wanted to pretend that I couldn't quite put my finger on why it bothered me, but I knew the second he said it why it did.
I’m always dancing with this one. We may laugh over the way that we became friends, but I know we will be friends forever.
It was because he was right. Not just that he was right, but that he had somehow seen through the facade that I put up. I thought I could fake my knowledge in the sports that I lack a vast amount of expertise in or at least distract with the knowledge that I do have about baseball and Loyola. But somehow this 28-year-old guy had seen through it and pointed out something I consider a flaw, something I am so insecure about (Also, all guys out there, you can never point out a flaw to a girl that she isn’t already aware of.) I wondered to myself, how long he had been thinking about it or if there had been conversations with him and some of the other guys that I work with.
And then I remembered, that I have never once claimed to have been an expert in all things sports. That I had only ever cared about baseball and then discovered that my way to get practice on-air was to join the sports show at Loyola, so I did. And I gave it my all, and I mastered it. I learned about every team, every player. I figured out the ins and outs to the different sports and the ins and outs to the show and how to produce it and I became the Executive Producer in just my second year.
It is okay that I don't know the roster of every NBA team, because I do understand basketball and I can master anything I put my mind to. If a job said that naming every NFL player was a requirement, I would learn it. So, why did that comment bother me so much? Maybe, because I thought he was telling me I can’t cover sports, which I don’t think was his intention at all, but maybe the idea that I can’t do it now terrifies me— because I’ve fallen in love with it, which once again wasn’t part of my plan.
So, if we’re keeping track, I’m not ready to graduate, not ready to say goodbye to my friends, not ready to leave internships behind, not ready to be an adult, and now I might want to go into sports? I wouldn’t have thought any of this was the case as a freshman.
This was the first goodbye I had to make as a senior— my last time reporting on a Loyola basketball game as a student. I am so excited to see what Conor does with RSL as the next EP!
I think what I’m realizing is that I’m a mess and that is okay. I don’t have to be perfect and I don't have to portray myself like I am perfect. It’s funny, but the other week I was talking to that same supervisor about one of my Instagram posts and how it didn’t have as many “likes” as I wanted. He asked me why I care so much about what people think of me.
While I definitely don't take myself too seriously around my friends and I show them many of my flaws and emotions, I don't do that with others. I could have responded to his question about how I am trying to market myself and want to show that I get great engagement with every post, but that wouldn't have been true. I want people to think that I have it all together and I do view that “like” as reassurance.
Lately, I've also been realizing how much I am going to miss the people I have interned with this semester. It’s just another goodbye that I have to prepare myself for. I'm going to miss these people who make me laugh, have me looking forward to shifts, teach me new things, point out insecurities, and in a weird way, teach me that I don’t have to be perfect.
What’s my plan post-graduation? I don't know and I'm starting to realize that that’s okay. I’ve gotten myself this far, I just need to trust in myself and have confidence in my abilities. I can do anything I set my mind to. As for the goodbyes, those are going to be hard. However, I'm going to remind myself what a blessing it is that it’s going to break my heart to leave these people. And you know what’s even cooler? Even though I have no idea what I'm doing past May or what field I want to report on— God does. So, I’m just going to trust in Him and *try* to enjoy this last month at Loyola.